I can't figure out

Lord, where are we going?

Beauty

I dont need women to show me my strength. My strength and masculinity comes from the Lord, who desires to quash my false name, a name I have given myself by believing the lies of the devil. He desires to give me a new name, my true name, as he did with Abraham and Jacob. This situation is bigger than me, bigger than my struggles, bigger than my plan for myself and my desires for Marcee.

Lord, melt me with your fire. I feel you drawing me back to you and leading me through a wilderness: the greatest struggle of my life to bring me into the greatest possible life with you. You are my Beauty.

Difficult text

A few things I have realized through all this:

1. God wishes to set the captives free and give sight to the blind.
2. I seek my masculine validation not through the Lord but through the approval of women.
3. I am now on the darkest spiritual and emotional journey of my life.
   

Re: Rediscovery

I am trying to rediscover the heart of God, and through that discover my own. Wild At Heart has been a great book so far, and really speaks a lot about how we(I) misunderstand God's heart, his desires, and his intentions for me. The book also says some things that make me understand Marcee a little bit better, specifically the idea of the bride needing to be fought for, desired.

Lord, please continue to show me your heart. You are a perfect warrior who desires to love me and together we will take on the world.

A New (Old) Story

Nothing I indulge in provides me a single ounce of satisfaction. I am at a breaking point with Marcee, I think she is about to go the way of Kim and Susan, which is really scary to me. I am trying to get my shit together, because I can't lose Marcee. I need the grace of God to bless our lives. I need God's forgiveness and changing blood to wash over me and redeem me once more. I need to embrace the truth of God as my entire life, instead of exchanging it for lies.

Lord, please embrace me and gather me back to you. I do believe that Marcee is the one for me, but I guess I have forgotten my True Love in all of this. It's You! You are the one I wish to spend eternity with, and a life without you would be truly tragic. I accept and take hold of the strength you offer me.

Down

I am so down on myself right now. I'm not finishing up school well, I'm not being responsible, I'm drinking too much, and I'm not seeking God like I was. I've got to start believing that what God wants is so much better than what I want. I didn't make rent this month. I haven't finished paying for school. I'm not getting enough hours at work. I think I am drinking to take the edge off of all this stress. And on top of it all, being without Marcee has not been good for me as I wanted it to be. I think this is why I get scared in relationships, is because when I start to trust someone I end up depending on them far too much. I have such huge self control issues that range in everything from lust to laziness.

Lord, take control of my life!

Fall Down

This is a song by Jennifer Knapp, and I feel as though it expresses my frustrations over my past very well. Sometimes forgiveness seems so hard even though it is so freeing and so free.

Judge Me Not Ye Saints
For My History May Be Tainted
But I'm Sober Enough To Know Blood When I See It
I've Borne My Share Of Stones
Most Of Them Easily Thrown
But Who's To Deny
Your Water-Shed Side
Leading Me Home?

What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
Past Regrets And Long Laments They Find Me Somehow
O, What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
What Have I To Do But Fall Down?
To Spy From Far Away

May Seem That I'm One To Betray
But O, How I Try
The Spirit To Guide
The Promise You Made

Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me